A Matter of Trust

Doc:

I have been seeing this woman on and off for over 1 year, we have only been seeing each other seriously since the beginning of May. We have had difficulties with trust from both ends in the past, but things have improved dramatically over the past few months.

99% of the time I trust her completely and I know that despite the difficulties we have had, things are improving and continue to grow. However, a there are a small percentage of the times where I have doubt. This manifests itself in behaviors such as questioning whether or not she is telling me the truth. For example, today, I attempted to login to her cell phone account. I didn't login, but immediately felt like shit for doing this. I called her to tell her what I had done and apologize. What can I do to keep myself from carrying out these behaviors a small percentage of the time which put our relationship in serious jeopardy?

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Hello!

First of all, if you're going to do something like this don't turn around and confess to it! All that will do is cause even MORE mistrust between you!! Sheesh!!!

You're right for feeling like shit. Invasion of privacy is the worst crime that can be committed within a relationship - even worse than cheating! The reasons for this are because of the source of it which I'll get into in a minute.

The very first thing I want both of you to do is to go change ALL your passwords - phones, email, everything - and then don't tell the other person. That's going to eliminate the temptation to invade each other's privacy. That will solve one big problem here.

The second problem isn't going to be as easy. The issue isn't that you both have trust issues; it's that you have "I don't trust myself" issues. Let me explain:

What you don't trust is:

1) Your ability to know or sense when something is really wrong; and,
2) Your ability to deal with the things you find out.

Thus, you're both trying to get the OTHER person to make you trust them. That can NEVER happen. You can't give away your responsibilities here to someone else and expect them to live up to them. First of all, it's not their job. Second of all, what if they don't? Then you can blame them without taking any responsibility for it yourself!

The reality is that relationships are far more about PERSONAL responsibility than anything else. If you don't have it, your relationship will continue to suffer because of it.

Let me give you an example of how this works:

When I get involved with someone I'm going to date for a long period of time I tell them this: "You know, I can't be around you 24/7 to watch what you do and frankly, I'd never want to be in that sort of relationship anyway. I'm with you because I believe in you and I hope that's why you're with me. I'm a quality person and I want to be around people that have champagne tastes. If you decide you want to go out for beer, I can't stop you, but instead, I'll have realized that you're not the person I am looking for and I'll go off to find someone else that wants champagne."

Do you see the point of this little speech? I take PERSONAL responsibility for my actions - I don't try to lay them off on anyone else. Instead, I let her be responsible for herself too. I believe that I can deal with things even if I don't like them by finding someone else. In fact, I can and so can you!

If you need more of an idea of how this works, go to my website, http://beingaman.tv and click on "Video" and "Self Help" and watch the one about Trust.

The bottom line is that you need to start working on building up your own trust for yourself and stop worrying about what anyone else does, says or thinks - even your girlfriend.

- by Dr. Dennis Neder

Ten Things God Won't Ask:

1...God won"t ask what kind of car you drove;
He"ll ask how many people you drove who didn"t have transportation.

2...God won"t ask the square footage of your house,
He"ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

3...God won"t ask about the clothes you had in your closet,
He"ll ask how many you helped to clothe.

4...God won"t ask what your highest salary was,
He"ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

5...God won"t ask what your job title was,
He"ll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.

6...God won"t ask how many friends you had,
He"ll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

7...God won"t ask in what neighborhood you lived,
He"ll ask how you treated your neighbors.

8...God won"t ask about the color of your skin,
He"ll ask about the content of your character.

9...God won"t ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation,
He"ll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.

10...God won"t ask how many people you forwarded this to,
He"ll ask if you were ashamed to pass it on to your friends.

Read Carefully

Happy moments, praise God.

Difficult moments, seek God.

Quiet moments, worship God.

Painful moments, trust God.

Every moment, thank God.

- Author Unknown

Nothing is Purposeless!!!!

One beautiful spring day a red rose blossomed in a forest. Many kinds of trees and plants grew there. As the rose looked around, a pine tree nearby said, "What a beautiful flower. I wish I was that lovely." Another tree said, "Dear pine, do not be sad, we can not have everything."

The rose turned its head and remarked, "It seems that I am the most beautiful plant in this forest."

A sunflower raised its yellow head and asked, "Why do you say that? In this forest there are many beautiful plants. You are just one of them." The red rose replied, "I see everyone looking at me and admiring me." Then the rose looked at a cactus and said, "Look at that ugly plant full of thorns!" The pine tree said, "Red rose, what kind of talk is this? Who can say what beauty is? You have thorns too."

The proud red rose looked angrily at the pine and said, "I thought you had good taste! You do not know what beauty is at all. You can not compare my thorns to that of the cactus."

"What a proud flower", thought the trees.
The rose tried to move its roots away from the cactus, but it could not move. As the days passed, the red rose would look at the cactus and say insulting things, like: This plant is useless? How sorry I am to be his neighbor."

The cactus never got upset and he even tried to advise the rose, saying, "God did not create any form of life without a purpose."

- Author Unknown

The Key To Freedom

I used to think that Freedom
Was what someone gave to me.
Until I found that I was bound
By nameless heavy chains
I could not see.

I used to think that Freedom
Was what someone gave to me.
Until I learned that what I'd earned
Was simply my permission
To use that very freedom
That no one but myself
Could give to me.

Those locks and bonds and prisons
Are the things we've learned to hate.
Yet those most despised constructions

Are identically the ones
We have masterfully come to create.

I spent my lifetime waiting
For someone to set me free,

I could not grow
I didn't know

That in my very hands

I held The key.

- Dr Shirley Kashoff

Spontaneity

In his inspiring book Be A People Person, John Maxwell tells a true story about an important game of rugby that took place between two English schools. During the closing minutes of the contest, a boy more gifted with enthusiasm and school spirit than with experience, was sent into the game for the first time. Forgetting all the rules, particularly the one that says a player does not touch the ball with his hands, and conscious only of the fact that the ball had to be at the goal line within seconds if his school were to be victorious, the boy picked up the ball and, to the amazement of everyone, started the sprint of his life to the goal line.

The confused officials and players remained frozen where they stood, but the spectators were so moved by the boy's spirit and entertained by his performance that they stood up and applauded long and loudly.

This incident totally eclipsed the rest of the game's action. As a result, a new sport was born: Football. It wasn't because of carefully worded arguments and rule changes, it was because of one boy's enthusiastic mistake.

The bottom line is that sometimes spontaneity produces incredible results and enthusiasm is always an asset in life. Be spontaneous and enthusiastic and I'll see you at the top!

- by Zig Zaglar

The Good Life

Beware of covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses. — Luke 12:15

Driving down the highway in Houston, I passed a billboard with large letters that announced "THE GOOD LIFE!" I couldn't wait to get closer to read the small print, which explained that the "good life" was about buying a lakefront home starting at $300,000. Which made me wonder if some unhappy families might live in those homes, with kids who never see their parents or couples who, though living on the lake, wish they weren't even living together.

Luke 12 came to mind as I remembered the story of the man who asked Jesus to tell his brother to divide the inheritance with him. That was the wrong thing to ask Jesus! He replied with a warning, "Beware of covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses" (v. 15). He then went on to tell the story of an extremely rich man who, from God's point of view, was a fool — not because he was successfully wealthy but because he was not rich toward God.

The sooner we get over the illusion that more stuff means more peace, happiness, and self-fulfillment, the better off we will be. And then the more able we will be to find the longed-for peace and happiness — the true "good life" — that only Jesus can provide. — Joe Stowell

O Lord, help us to be content,
Whatever we possess;
Protect us from the foolish lie
That "more" brings happiness. — Sper

- Author Unknown

A Moving Story!

An 80 year old man was sitting on the sofa in his house along with his 45 year's old highly educated son. Suddenly a crow perched on their window.

The Father asked his Son, "What is this?" The Son replied "It is a crow".

After a few minutes, the Father asked his Son the 2nd time, "What is this?" The Son said "Father, I have just now told you "It's a crow".

After a little while, the old Father again asked his Son the 3rd time, "What is this?" At this time some ex-pression of irritation was felt in the Son's tone when he said to his Father with a rebuff. "It's a crow, a crow".

A little after, the Father again asked his Son t he 4th time, "What is this?" This time the Son shouted at his Father, "Why do you keep asking me the same question again and again, although I have told you so many times 'IT IS A CROW'. Are you not able to understand this?"

A little later the Father went to his room and came back with an old tattered diary, which he had maintained since his Son was born. On opening a page, he asked his Son to read that page. When the son read it, the following words were written in the diary:-

"Today my little son aged three was sitting with me on the sofa,when a crow was sitting on the window. My Son asked me 23 times what it was, and I replied to him all 23 times that it was a Crow. I hugged him lovingly each time he asked me the same question again and again for 23 times. I did not at all feel irritated. I rather felt affection for my innocent child".

While the little child asked him 23 times "What is this", the Father had felt no irritation in replying to the same question all 23 times and when today the Father asked his Son the same question just 4 times, the Son felt irritated and annoyed. So...

If your parents attain old age, do not repulse them or look at them as a burden, but speak to them a gracious word; be cool, obedient,humble and kind to them. Be considerate to your parents.

From today say this aloud, "I want to see my parents happy forever. They have cared for me ever since I was a little child. They have always showered their selfless love on me. They crossed all mountains and valleys without seeing the storm and heat to make me a person presentable in the Society today".

Say a prayer to God, "I will serve my old parents in the BEST way. I will say all good and kind words to my dear parents, no matter how they behave. When I am old, I do not want my child to repeat the words when the crow perches on my window".

- Author Unknown